I’m Not Strong Enough

by Jessica Rownd

about the author:

Jessica Rownd is the mother of two boys: one with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and one without. She is a great advocate in our community, blogging her life experiences and collaborating with many of our non-profits. To read more of Jessica’s blog about her family’s journey with Duchenne, please visit Laughing Through the Tears.

I’m Not Strong Enough

This week has been exhausting emotionally and physically.

Wyatt started back at school everyday on Tuesday. As selfish as it sounds, I wasn’t ready to get up EVERYday at 5:15 again. But I will get over it and used to it pretty quickly.

But for Wyatt (who has Duchenne), it’s not the same. School everyday means getting up and ready at 6am and out the door by 6:35. I let him sleep as long as he can and give him just enough time to get ready without rushing him out the house.

Monday Night

Monday night while getting him situated in bed he looks at me and says, “Mom, I’m sorry I’m a needy boy. I am not strong enough to move in bed by myself.”

My heart melted at that minute. As I said before, I never want him to feel like he has to apologize. But we all get tired and I guess my face or my sigh showed it. Of course I hugged and kissed him and told him not to apologize.

Inside my heart was shattering. It’s hard to watch your son lose more and more abilities. It feels like it is happening faster than ever before. I just wish I could make it slow down.

So after we said our nightly, “Good night. I love you. See you in the morning. Yes, the doors are locked. Yes, the garage door is down. Yes, it is locked. See you in the morning,” I got in bed and started thinking of how to help him feel more independent…maybe an adjustable bed, maybe different pillows, who knows…it’s all so much too fast…my brain was running races thinking about it.

And then…his texts started. He couldn’t get comfortable. He needed Wrigley in a different spot. He needed the pillow in a different spot. The blankets weren’t right.

Then finally he said, “Mom, I’m not ready for school everyday. I’m scared of what next semester is going to be like. What if I don’t know anyone in my new classes? What are my teachers going to be like?” His brain was on overdrive. My husband and I both tried to calm him and talk him through it, but he just couldn’t calm down.

At 11:30pm I finally got him up and out of his bed, held his hand to keep him steady and walked him to my room.

I helped him in my bed but it still took him a while to wind down. But my heart filled because instead of apologizing he said, “Mom, I love you, I feel better now next to you.”

I’m happy he finally rested, but 6am came around quickly.

Tuesday Morning

After getting Wynston up, and Wyatt and Wrigley into the van, we finally head off to school around 6:40 everyday. I do love our drive to school. It is always interesting. Wyatt sings and raps (LOL), we talk and laugh and sometimes shed a tear. I love this time with him.

Well…Tuesday, Wyatt rolled down the window and put his arm out to do the “pull your horn” sign to an 18 wheeler. He tried to do it and then he looked at me and said, “Mom, I’m just not strong enough to do it anymore.” The up and down motion is hard for him to do and against the wind it must have been practically impossible.

He looked at me with sadness in his eyes.

I didn’t know what to say. There is nothing for me to say to him besides, “I get it Bud, I hate this for you.” So, that’s what I said and I grabbed his little hand and he rapped the rest of the drive to school.

I shook my head and realized if he can be strong and move on from it, then I can, too. It’s definitely harder than you think.

We All Get Weak Sometimes…

The days of Wyatt getting up from the toilet and moving through the house with ease are slowly going away. I can’t leave him home alone for long. He is literally not strong enough to be totally independent like other 15 year olds. He holds my hand or cabinets when he walks or else he uses his motorized wheelchair in the house.

His younger brother Wynston worries about how Wyatt will continue to do things for himself and wants to know how he can help. It makes him so sad to see his big brother get weaker, but he is still so small and he is actually not strong enough to help Wyatt do some things.

But we will find a way to adapt and adjust to this new life. We always do.

So Today Think About This…

We all get weak sometimes…our hearts are broken and we feel like we want the world to just stop, but we find the strength to go on.

When we are weak that is when we see the strength of others.

And when others are weak, that is when we show our strength and help them.

We all have good and bad days, just don’t let the days you are weak outweigh the days you are strong.

3 Replies to “I’m Not Strong Enough”

  1. Beautiful. When our children hurt we hurt but they find strength from us as we learn from them. All any of us have is the present and our memories. Just love them and be their strength.

  2. Pingback: We Will Find a Way

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