When You Don’t Feel Grateful

Thank you to the author of this webpage Heather Benbrook. Heather is an Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Texas. She was also previously a school counselor.

When You Don’t Feel Grateful

Gratitude is a topic that is brought up in schools, restaurants, stores and all throughout our society. Being thankful and grateful during the Thanksgiving season is ingrained in us.

However, let’s be honest, gratitude can be really hard when you are going through tough times in life. I feel like this is exponentially so with the Duchenne community, individuals and families. There are unique struggles in daily life, but, even so, there are ways to find gratitude through it all.

Brene Brown (2021) defines gratitude in her book, Atlas of the Heart, as “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others” (pg. 212).

When we break that down into parts, gratitude is a practice and much more than a just season we celebrate. There are at least 3 parts to it:

  • First of all, knowing our values and what is important to us and appreciating those things is of utmost importance. Our values guide our decisions and our mindset in life. Checking in with yourself about those values will lead to appreciating them.
  • Next is finding meaning in life. Now this is the question we all seek and have our own interpretations of. However, knowing what you care about and having faith in your meaning of life leads to more motivation, fulfillment and hope.
  • Lastly, feeling connected to others and ourselves is a huge part of gratitude and happiness. When we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, belonging is right above our basic physical needs in life. Feeling connected and belonging to a group is imperative for gratitude as well.

When thinking about this definition, it definitely makes me reflect on how hard it can be to have gratitude in the Duchenne world.

The Duchenne World

During this time of the year, it seems to be in our faces and pushed on us to feel this way and voice those things that we are grateful for. Thanksgiving is seen as a time for family, friends, faith and fellowship. However, this isn’t always the case, especially for individuals, families and friends with Duchenne.

Living with Duchenne or being someone who lives with or cares for an individual with Duchenne is undeniably a difficult and unique experience that those on the outside of it typically do not understand.

When we look at the definition of gratitude from above, values, meaning in life and connection are crucial components. However, with Duchenne these areas are often either in question or not on the forefront of the mind in the survival and stress mode that the body and brain might be in. The daily stressors, fears and emotional, physical and mental demands are beyond hard.

As an individual, feeling misunderstood, lack of belonging and struggling with the physical and emotional side effects of increased cortisol and decreased dystrophin take a toll on ones social, emotional and physical well-being.

As a caregiver or parent of someone with Duchenne, there are fears and guilt that take over the overall well-being as well. Not knowing what the future holds can create anxieties. Living in the past of what has happened or the things that we cannot control creates sadness and depression.

With all this being said and it only being a snippet of the daily life living with Duchenne, it is understandably so why having gratitude would not be on the forefront of the mind. When life is tough and we are working from the part of our brain focusing on maintaining and survival, it is difficult to process the parts of our brains where gratitude can be focused on.

It is definitely ok to not feel ok and not feel in the mindset to be able to focus on being grateful and thankful. It is also perfectly ok to acknowledge and express that things are hard.

“Happiness is stable, longer-lasting, and normally the result of effort.” – Brene Brown

Sometimes we get the idea of happiness a little backwards. We think that if we are happy then we will be more grateful for things in life. This if… then is actually the other way around. If we are grateful for the people, things and events in our lives, then joy and happiness will ensue. After learning about this and trying to practice this in my own life, I did actually notice a change in my life and mindset.

It is definitely not the easiest task and it is a practice that takes time and practice as well. It is not “one and done” or a seasonal event. Gratitude is a practice that takes time, patience and vulnerability.

Brene Brown points to the father of positive psychology, Dr. Robert Emmons, when discussing the research behind gratitude and happiness. Other scientists that studied this topic were Dr. Michael McCullough and Dr. Martin Seligman.

These studies showed that those who wrote statements or letters of gratitude increased their optimism, happiness and lowered their health concerns as well. Basically, being grateful and purposeful with finding those people and things that we are grateful for, leads to a more overall life satisfaction.

Below are just some ideas on increasing your happiness through the practice of gratitude and resources about positive psychology.

  • Gratitude Jar: This can be done individually or as a family/household. Write little messages of gratitude and place it in a jar and watch it fill out. This can be done with marbles or some type of filler as well. Watch the beauty of gratitude build before your eyes.
  • Gratitude Journal: As the studies showed, writing down what we are grateful for can increase our joy and optimism in life. Keeping a journal of these thoughts not only helps with the practice but can be a reflection tool in hard times. Here are some prompts to help you on your journey.
  • A Simple Thank You: When we express gratitude to others, not only do we fill their cup and bring them joy, we increase our own joy along with it. Write a thank you note to someone special to you. Share a smile with a stranger. Just like a yawn, smiles are contagious too.

Positive Psychology and Resources