The following is an excerpt from our livestream with Gabby Jimenez about life, death and hospice. Gabby is a hospice nurse, a hospice doula, and an author. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
So what I’ve had to learn is – especially as it comes to an anniversary – is to say something like, “Tomorrow is the anniversary of my loved one’s death. I’d really like to talk about it. Do you have some time?”
We have to learn how to let the people who love us know that we’re having a difficult time. Grievers have to be able to reach out to other people and say, “I need help” and to know that it’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to not be fine. You don’t have to answer the “How are you?” questions in a way that appeases other people. They’re asking you because they want to know and the kindest thing you can do for them is to tell them the truth.
And that’s the other role – the people who love a griever or who want to support a griever. Please don’t say things like, “It’ll get better with time” or – I had one person actually say to me, “Ohh you’re still going through that?” And I thought, “Well, first of all, it hadn’t even been a year so of course I’m ‘going through that.’ But why would you say that to me? Why would you tell me that I can no longer grieve someone I love?” We don’t get to put a time frame on it or tell someone else how long or how to grieve.
People put “-ed” at the end of the word love, right? I “loved” him so much. Actually, I still love him. In fact, with time, my love almost evolves. My sister’s been gone 8 years. I think I love her more now than I did back then, and I thought I loved her an awful lot back then. I realized that the more time you’re not with someone, the more you miss them, and the more you’re reminded of how truly lucky you were to have them.
So, I think on both ends we need to be able to be honest with our feelings to let people know that we’re not fine, we’re not OK, and we do need to talk about it. And those who want to offer support maybe instead of saying “How are you today?” – because I think we all know the answer to that – instead say, “I’m thinking of you today.” And don’t stop checking in. Don’t forget them. People walk away from grievers. Keep checking in, especially on anniversaries.
Build that communication in such a way that is strong and can stand up to the difficult days on either end.
